i am still

Lately, I have been reflecting on why people so often answer the question, “How are you?” with “I’m busy”. Is busyness really the reality of that many people’s lives? Is it more socially acceptable to say “I’m busy” than to answer “There’s not much going on”? Or, is this common response just a habit? I think all of these reasons apply.

As someone who often feels “busy”, I have come to the realization that it is often the high expectations I put on myself that keep me in a constant state of “busyness”. I often feel busy, but I can also choose to do things differently to reduce the stress in my life.

In some ways, we can all become prisoners of our own mindsets. Is it really necessary to be so busy all the time? Perhaps, if we didn’t want so much we wouldn’t be so busy. Of course, I am aware that everyone has responsibilities and commitments. However, there are always choices about what we do. Do we want too much? Are we trying to do too much? What is all the anxiety about?

Over one million people in Canada suffer from depression and anxiety. One of the factors that exacerbate both psychiatric disorders is the fast pace of today’s lifestyles. This is compounded when we also hold high expectations of ourselves because we tend to overload our schedules with all the things we think we “should” do. And, if we don’t do them, we may end up feeling guilty. What an endless negative cycle to put yourself through!

We may be trying to be the ideal parent, the outstanding employee, the perfect partner, or the inexhaustibly caring friend. Inevitably, we cannot continue to do everything these roles may demand. Overwhelming ourselves with too many activities can actually prevent us from doing anything well.

The quality of what we can give suffers when we demand too much of ourselves. The way in which we give or do something can make all the difference, for both the giver and the receiver. If we can genuinely share a part of ourselves for a few minutes with someone else, both people can feel a deeper sense of satisfaction and understanding in the connection. Simply put, it feels good. The giver can feel good about sharing authentically, and the receiver will pick up the fact that the other person is present and feel valued.

We can help ourselves develop more realistic expectations of ourselves by:

* being compassionate, gentle, and fair with ourselves,
* saying no when we need to,
* placing some limits on our time,
* consciously choosing our priorities, and
* spending time with the people we truly care about (not with people who drain us).

Through listening to ourselves, we can be truly present to others and enjoy their company. By not overloading ourselves with activities and responsibilities, we can find deeper satisfaction in the experiences we do have. Moreover, we can find a fuller life in a simplified one. So, the next time someone asks you how you are, why not say “I am still”, and listen to the other person? While experiencing your own centredness, it just might feel so good that you will want to do it again.

Suzanne Welstead
April 2009

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above is the "thought of the month" from one of my personal mentors. i am currently in the process of reading her first book, Searching for You: Ideas about Healthy Relationships, and i am finding so many "ah-ha" moments. if you appreciate reading the narrative of another person's realisations, then i would recommend this book to you. even if you're in healthy relationships, consider this a good reminder of the things you may forget from day to day.